


In a Safe Environment

by Pom_Rania



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-02
Updated: 2016-09-23
Packaged: 2018-08-12 15:01:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7938997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pom_Rania/pseuds/Pom_Rania
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything is (not) fine (but it will be).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The door closed, leaving Kanan without even that sliver of light to orient himself by.

"Remember," Ahsoka's voice sounded in his ear, "everything must stay dark. The creatures will leave you alone, and stay on the ceiling, so long as you do not have any light."

He stared into the blackness all around him, and imagined how much more lay ahead. "Easy for you to say," he muttered. He took one small, cautious step, fingers trailing along the wall, then another. So far so good.

His foot hit something. It gave way, and skidded off into the unknown. He could hear it rattling, loud in the stillness and darkness. Probably a small rock. Nothing to worry about.

He shuffled along, and tried to picture the layout ahead. The entrance was behind him, he knew that, so according to the plans they had studied there would be an alcove on his right, and then a few stairs going up.... Why hadn't he come across the alcove yet? It wasn't that far from where he had started. Had he missed it? Was he lost? How could he get lost in a straight line? Maybe the plans were inaccurate....

The wall vanished from beneath his fingers. He stopped. Maybe that was the alcove. He felt around with a foot. The wall definitely turned there. He could go straight ahead to where the wall would start up again, but it was probably safer to just keep following the wall as it went in and then back out. He turned, stepped -- and knocked something over.

There was a loud crash, several smaller crashes, a dull thud and a series of clanging noises, all of it right next to him. He didn't jump, but he flinched. He felt tiny flecks of broken something hit his legs from where they had bounced off the ground. The scent of disturbed dust filled his nose. The sound from the impact echoed, or maybe his ears were just ringing. He waited for the noise to subside.

Wait. Was that rustling from overhead...? There was no way that crash had gone unnoticed.

"You're not moving. Is everything okay?"

"Are you sure those things only react to light?" he whispered. "There was just a very loud noise, and I think I hear them moving around."

"Positive. Try not to knock anything else over, but you're in no danger if you do. Keep moving."

Okay, so he had to move more carefully. He felt around, and discovered what was probably a pedestal. Empty now, its former resident on the ground and in pieces. It didn't seem like there was anything else in his way. He moved slowly, one hand on the wall and the other out in front; he felt crunching underfoot, but nothing more fell down.

Turn, turn, and out of the alcove. The stairs would be next. He remembered that they were farther from the alcove than the alcove was from the entrance, so it would be some time with how slow he was going. His sense of distance was distorted. He couldn't go by his normal stride length, because he wasn't taking normal strides.

It would be so quick if he could just see where he was going.... He hadn't expected how utterly irritating the slow pace would be.

He was anticipating it, he was cautious, and he still tripped at the first step. He tried to stay upright, but overcorrected without anything to use as a reference point, flailed uselessly, and fell.

He lay sprawled across the stairs, and felt his face burn with embarrassment. Aside from bruises that were already beginning to form, he didn't seem to be injured; a quick check confirmed that he was sore all over, but everything was still working and in one piece. At least Ezra wasn't there to witness his master's failure. Some Jedi he was, brought low by a set of stairs.

"Still alive over there?"

He groaned. "Can I officially say that I hate this mission?"

"Noted. Are you hurt?"

"Only my pride...." _And my knees and my elbows and my ass_ , he didn't say.

"You'll just have to get used to that. You still have a long way to go. The path is straight and level until it opens up into the main hall. Get up and keep going."

The good part about falling by the stairs, he thought, was that at least he knew which direction he was facing; _down_ meant backwards, while _up_ meant forwards. And he knew where the wall was too, because his shoulder was pressed against it. He felt around and counted five steps. Good, now he knew and hopefully wouldn't trip on them again.

He took each step individually, feeling silly with the extra care but not confident to do it normally. That seemed to be the theme for the day. It was tolerable, and he would take it in a heartbeat over "everyone you trusted is either dead or trying to kill you" or "make tomorrow worse to try and get through today" or that old non-favourite "you failed miserably and now all your friends will suffer for it", but he still didn't like it.

There was very little to show time and distance passing. A layer of grime might have accumulated on his fingertips from tracing the wall, as he couldn't feel the texture as acutely any more. His eyes hurt, from constantly straining for light. The shortened stride he had adopted felt awkward on his legs. Every once in a while he would hear soft rustling from above, or kick a pebble and hear it hit the opposite wall or rattle until it stopped moving; that told him nothing of where he was, or where he was going.

He couldn't say how he knew when he arrived at the main hall, even before the wall began to curve. Maybe it was a more "open" sensation to the air, or a slight difference in the sounds, or a change in the scent around him; it might have even been the Force deciding to cut him a break. He slowed down. He had a bad feeling about that....

He grabbed a small stone off the ground, closed his eyes to concentrate (even if he couldn't see anything anyways), and threw it in the direction he had to go. From the noise it definitely hit something... and something else... and it sounded like it bounced off of even more things. Yes, there were very definitely obstacles in his way.

Nothing else to be done for it. He walked forward, leaving behind the surety of the wall and its presence.

Immediately he felt off-balance, with nothing to tell him which way was up. He pushed that sensation to the side. He was going to run into something any moment now... now. The impact hurt, he was going to have bruises upon bruises, but it also steadied him. He had a reference point now, something solid in the void. It felt like... a chair, turned over on its side. He carefully manoeuvered around it, and just narrowly avoided walking crotch-first into a table.

He reached out with his hands, his feet, walking around objects when he found them in time and grunting when he didn't. Eventually, there was nothing more in his way. A welcome change, but something didn't seem right. He stretched his arm out, took three paces, and felt a wall touch his fingers again. This was not where he was supposed to be. He had to get to the centre, not stay along the edge.

"Ahsoka, where am I?"

"You're still in the main hall, if it's any comfort."

"Not much." He rested against the wall and pinched the bridge of his nose, seemingly the one place on his body that had escaped bruising (even if it did still hurt). "Listen, this isn't working. I could stumble around here for hours, and never find it."

"You have to trust the Force."

"The Force doesn't seem to care about my bruised everything," he shot back.

"I know." Her voice suddenly sounded sad. "There's a lot we don't... I could tell you some stories about my old master, one of the greatest Jedi I ever knew, and all the ridiculous situations he got us into despite that. But, that will have to wait for later. Keep going."

He sighed, and opened himself up to the Force. He shouldn't have had to be reminded about that, but old habits took a long time to completely vanish. Change was slow.

It was just on the edge of his awareness, but he could feel what he was looking for. It was nearby. It was -- it was --

There!

He knew where he had to go. He also knew that there was a lot in his way (or maybe there wasn't actually that much and he had only gone in circles and kept running into the same things over and over again; he wasn't sure which option was worse), but that wasn't as much of a problem any more. He had a location fixed in his mind, so he wouldn't get turned around. Everything was going to hurt, unless he was luckier than recent decades would let him believe, but it wouldn't cause him serious damage. (Besides, he'd learned a few tricks for keeping the worst impacts away from the more sensitive areas, so it would at least be slightly easier than the first attempt.)

He got up, felt for the proper direction, and moved forward.


	2. Chapter 2

"Keep your eyes closed," Ezra's voice said. "We have a surprise for you."

Kanan raised his eyebrows. "What kind of a surprise?" he asked, immediately suspicious.

"The kind where you don't see what it is ahead of time. Here, just let me put this on...."

He heard rustling, and felt fabric placed against his face. Ezra reached behind him, and fastened something at the back of his head.

Kanan brought a hand up to the cloth covering his eyes. "What are you doing?"

"It's just to make sure you don't peek. Come along."

He allowed his student to pull him to his feet and drag him out the door. They were currently between missions, his meditation could wait, and if it was anything too destructive then Hera would have put a stop to it already. There was no real reason not to play along.

A reason presented itself to him, in the form of the doorframe hitting his shoulder (thankfully the armoured one). He didn't say anything. He wasn't hurt. Besides, the boy seemed excited, and he didn't want to ruin that. There had been little enough to get excited about lately.

Ezra must have noticed. "Sorry about that...."

_Tell him_ , he imagined Ahsoka saying. _He won't know unless you tell him._

"If you're not going to let me look, make sure that you at least are looking," he said. "I don't know how far you're taking me, but I don't want to hit any more doorframes, or anything else for that matter. Think of it as... mindfulness training."

Ezra tugged gently on his arm and they started walking again, but closer together. "Shouldn't you have been able to sense it?"

Maybe? He shrugged. "It wasn't a danger to me, and I was trusting you to watch out. I still am."

"Thanks. I'll try not to let you down."

"Do or do not --"

"I know, I know."

Kanan wasn't yet familiar with the area, so in less than a minute he lost track of where they might be. At least Ezra had taken his instruction to heart, telling him and slowing down whenever there was a door, stairs, or a corner.

It was an odd sensation, trusting someone else entirely for his direction. Not that he hadn't taken orders before, or been given advice, or had no idea what he was doing; but here he was neither helpless nor taking his own actions. He wasn't staying alert for anything that could interfere, and he wasn't trying to make his own way to the destination; he didn't even know the destination, and that surprise was apparently the point of this whole thing. He had trusted Ezra with his life before, but as he felt the hand (not as small as it had been, growing up and getting proper nutrients would do that to a boy) grasping his wrist, and sensed the restrained excitement from Ezra, he was struck by how _different_ this was. It wasn't a matter of life or death, or of saving the galaxy, or of feeding a village; it meant nothing to the greater scheme of things, but sometimes that was still one of the most important things.

How long had they been walking? If he recalled correctly, they couldn't have gone that far without... wait. His stride faltered as he paid attention. He didn't remember all of the turns they had taken, but that slight breeze from above, combined with the odd buzzing-beeping of some unfamiliar machinery, seemed recently familiar.

"Are you taking me in circles?"

Ezra stumbled. He laughed nervously. "No...? Why would I do that? It's not like --"

"Sorry I'm late, it took more than I thought to -- uh... never mind what it was."

That was Sabine's voice. Kanan turned towards her. "You're involved with this too?"

She didn't answer him. "Ahsoka asked me to pass on a message to one of you, she wasn't clear on that bit. She said to say 'Remember this', and that whoever it's for would understand eventually. With that out of the way, Ezra, you're up, and I'll take over here."

Ezra let go of Kanan's wrist, mumbled something indistinct, and walked away, his footfalls changing tempo as he went into a brisk trot, then a run.

Kanan waited for Sabine. Even if the kids didn't always think things through as much as he'd like, they wouldn't abandon him.

"Kanan, I'm going to hold your left elbow, and then we can get going."

"Will you lead me around in circles as well?"

He heard the smile in her voice. "Nope! If we're ahead of schedule, I'll just wait until the next person is up."

Schedule? Next person? "Sounds like this is quite an undertaking," he ventured.

"You don't know the half of it. But if you're trying to get more details out of me, you're out of luck. You'll just have to wait and see for yourself. We're turning left now; watch your step, there's a bit of a rise here."

With Sabine right beside him, Kanan knew he didn't have to worry about walking into anything; whatever might be in his way would also be in her way. Her closer presence was also balancing, as he wasn't over-extending like he had at times been earlier. It wasn't perfect, but it was better.

"Thanks for not walking me into any doorframes."

"Did Ezra do that?"

"When he came to get me."

"Sounds like him. It's a good thing we love him anyways."

"It didn't happen again, after I asked him to look where I was going."

"That's good. Improvement is good."

"I know you can't talk about the 'surprise' waiting for me, but how is progress going on your mural?"

As always, enthusiasm was evident in her voice as she described her painting, the fierce joy that came from transforming a blank wall into a work of art, and the delight as formless colours turned into shapes and images under her hand. He could picture her mural as it would look when finished. In his mind, it was beautiful, as always.

Sabine slowed down. "It looks like we are indeed ahead of schedule. Are you okay with waiting by yourself? There's something I just want to do a little bit more work on; but I can stay."

"I'm fine," he said, then added, "but could you take me to a wall or something before you go?"

"Sure thing. Reach out with your right hand -- a bit more to the side -- and there's a pillar there. Someone will be by soon."

With that, she was off.

The noises around him were familiar, but gave no useful information. They were the same hums and whirrs and buzzes he had heard for most of his life; he could have been anywhere indoors, in any of hundreds of systems. Those mechanical background sounds didn't change; after all, there were only so many ways to power lighting, circulate air, and pump water. They were the same sounds heard by Caleb in the Temple, by a nameless boy on Kaller, and by Kanan across the galaxy.

That said, one sound, gradually becoming more clear, was different. It was still familiar, it was --

"Chopper? What are you doing here?"

The droid warbled that the inferior organics were slow, so he had decided to take it upon himself to do it instead.

"Do what? You mean, you're taking me to... to whatever it is?"

Chopper let out an indignant beep. Of course that was what he meant. Human logic circuits didn't depend on their visual input, so it should have been obvious.

Kanan frowned. "If this is a trick of yours, Hera will hear about it," he warned.

A dismissive buzz. There was no need for tricks, not when Chopper had been promised a handsome reward for his compliance.

"All right then," Kanan sighed, "lead the way."

He heard clicking as the droid extended a manipulator, and he bent down to take it.

Chopper, he realized very quickly, was having fun with this. He didn't lead him into anything, not quite; but the droid would abruptly give out an alert that the vector of KananJarrus was set to collide with a solid object, and immediate course corrections were necessary. He didn't know whether the droid was bluffing, or intentionally guiding him towards and then warning him away from obstacles; both were possible, and likely. It would only be unusual if Chopper, regardless of bribe, didn't try anything when in a position of strength....

He was suddenly hit by the realization that _something was wrong_ \-- then the certainty vanished, leaving him to wonder just what that had been. His back was slightly sore from leaning over (Chopper was too short for this to be comfortable), and the cloth around his face must have been tied too tightly because it was starting to hurt a bit, but other than that, nothing _seemed_ wrong. If it had been a warning of danger, he should still be able to feel it, but there was nothing, only the memory of being sure.

He shook his head, and mentally filed the event under "things that will make sense in the Force's own sweet time". He didn't have time to dwell on it, as the door in front of him slid open and a figure almost collided with Chopper.

"There you are ya pile of bolts!" It was Zeb. "Heh, sorry Kanan, I didn't see you. How's this rustbucket been treating you? He took off before I had a chance to come get you."

"He's been fine, so far. Is _everybody_ involved with this?"

"Well... yeah, pretty much. Come on, Hera's waiting."

Hera was in on it too? His estimation of the thing immediately jumped a few notches. He reached out to Zeb, but then Chopper bumped his legs and hooted that no, the organic was too late, KananJarrus was the droid's responsibility now.

"Responsible? You? Why you little --"

"Easy, guys." Kanan held out his hands. "How about I hold onto Zeb's arm, while Chopper tells me where to go? No offense little guy, but you aren't the best height for me."

"No offense, heh."

"Zeb...."

"Oh, all right."

"Chopper?"

The droid grudgingly conceded that that would be acceptable.

"Are you ready?" Ahsoka whispered in his ear. "It's almost over."


	3. Chapter 3

Kanan lay back in the afternoon warmth. A gentle breeze rustled the towel covering his sunburnt face. Faint animal sounds came together in a pleasing harmony.

He felt a slight dip as someone sat down beside him. "Relaxing, isn't it," Ahsoka murmured.

"Ahsoka," he said, not bothering to turn his head. "We need to talk."

"Yes, we do."

She was silent for a moment, and he could feel her weighing her next words. "What do you remember?"

He very deliberately avoided thinking about that. "It's what I don't remember that tipped me off," he said instead. "What was I searching for? Did I find it? What was the 'surprise' they had planned?"

Focus on one thing at a time. It's safer that way.

"There were some other things that didn't make sense," he continued. "Creatures who live in the dark that will attack light but not sound --"

"Those actually exist," she interjected.

"Really?" He shrugged. "Other than that, there was your vague message and sudden appearance. A brief but intense feeling that something was wrong. And...."

He took a deep breath. "There was no change in light," he slowly said. "Even with my eyes closed I should have noticed a difference when they were covered, or when we faced a light. But there was --"

He sat up and the towel slid off his face. "There was nothing," he hoarsely whispered.

She put a hand on his shoulder. He leaned into the contact. She wrapped her arms around him, and he clutched at her. He buried his face (not bruised, not pinched, not sunburnt) in her chest. He inhaled her scent, trying to see -- no, not "see", not any more -- if he could extract any meaning or recognition from it.

She held him.

He didn't cry.

"What do you remember?" she asked again, softly.

"...red," he said into her collarbone. He lifted his head so he could speak clearly. "Everything was red." Red of runes and face and blade and pain.... "Maul... Ezra --!"

"Ezra is safe."

"I -- I think you screamed. I think I screamed. You were -- you kept him off me. I looked for -- I felt for -- and there was also a mask.... I didn't think. It felt _right_. I told you to get Ezra, then somehow I could -- it hurt and everything hurt and _I can't see_ , but it didn't matter. I knew what I had to do, and I did it. Then it was over and he was gone and it left me, and I didn't know anything any more. Chopper came for me -- that's why it felt wrong, he was guiding me in the exact same way... then Ezra, the holocron, Vader...."

He wanted to look her in the eyes, but that was impossible. Would always be impossible, for two different reasons. He felt for her face. He tried to map the contours under his fingers to his mental image of what she had looked like, and determine her facial expression.

"You didn't leave with us."

"No, I didn't."

He let out the breath he hadn't known he was holding; started to say something, stopped.

He pulled away from her, and rested his face in his hands. It didn't _feel_ injured. There was no smell of seared flesh. His fingers didn't encounter the blisters he would expect from a lightsaber wound. His eyelids felt intact and properly rounded.

Maybe --

He opened his eyes, and there was still nothing. Nothing. Nothing nothing _nothing_. Not even black. A lack of colour he had never imagined before and now would have for the rest of his life.

He forced himself to _look_ at the void. He wasn't in pain, and there was no chemical haze over his thoughts; this might be the best opportunity he would have for a while. He had to get used to it, and the sooner he could wake up without screaming (he knew he would wake up screaming), the better.

His life had been turned upside-down before. At least this time he wasn't alone. He had Hera, and Ezra and Chopper and Zeb and Sabine and everyone else. Nobody was trying to kill him -- well, nobody who hadn't already wanted him dead, the Empire wouldn't give him a pass just because he -- because he was --

He was blind.

He took a shuddering breath. He would get used to it... eventually... hopefully. He would survive. (He was more likely to survive now, because who would trust him to go on a mission? He wouldn't.) He could find a way to still contribute, probably.

"What do we do now?" he finally said. "I'm... I'm blind, and you're -- gone, and we've lost two of our stronger resources right there. What happens now?"

"Now? Now you wake up."

"What?"

"I could never stay for long. And I hoped...." She slowly sighed. "I did what I could. I'm sorry I couldn't do more. May the Force be with you."

"Wait, are you --" he called, but she was gone.

As was the world.

He --

Kanan woke up.

He hadn't expected to fall asleep, with the grief and the pain and the loss. He hadn't expected to lose his sight and lose Ahsoka either. It looked (he winced) like the galaxy did not particularly care about his expectations.

His face -- his eyes -- hurt, but it was a distant ache rather than the searing (life-altering) pain from earlier. He remembered painkillers, and bandaging before they fully kicked in. He remembered flinching, and the sheer _pain_ he had felt from Ezra at that.

Speaking of Ezra, where was the boy? He didn't feel anybody right next to him. He could sense his student's presence nearby, but the Phantom was a small ship; it was a given. If only he could look and see! So many small things he had taken for granted... like the ability to quickly locate people, or travel without a guide or stumbling.

But that... that was familiar now, from his -- was it a dream? A vision (a sightless vision)? Ahsoka had helped more than she realized.

"Ezra?"

"I'm here," he said, and Kanan couldn't tell which one of them he sensed the heartbreak from. "Are you -- does it hurt? I can get the med kit again, if you need it."

Kanan reached out, and Ezra took his hand. "I just wanted to know where you were."

"I could --" a sniff, "I could wear one of those bells that people sometimes put on pet collars, would that help?"

The mental image (the only kind of image he would ever be getting) was ridiculous, and Kanan snorted despite himself. "No," he said, "that won't be necessary."

He tried to think of anything he could say that would make things better, but he knew there was nothing. No words would have helped him on Kaller; only safety, and time.

"How far out are we?" he asked. "When will we be back?"

Chopper's beeping was subdued, but said that they were projected to arrive on Atollan in 37±4 minutes.

Kanan imagined meeting everyone. He imagined Hera's face -- he would have to go on imagination for the rest of his life --

He was alive.

"We survived," he said. "We've won."

And even if he couldn't quite believe it at the moment, he knew it was true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a relatively common trope, being trapped in a dream from which you must escape; but what if the dream gave you time to heal? 
> 
> I have experienced grief and loss. There's no magic cure; but one day you'll wake up and realize it hasn't hurt quite as much for some time. Your pain is valid, and everybody recovers at their own rate, but you can survive anything that doesn't kill you.


End file.
